I am slowly approaching my first year of motherhood, and I must honestly say that within the duration of this time I have truly learned a part of some of the sources of why mom’s genuinely don’t ask people for help.

I always hear how moms are always trying to do everything themselves, or how mothers take on a huge load and overwhelm themselves trying to fix it all. This one is my favorite one that I hear, we trying to be superwoman? Let’s be clear, the moment we popped these corn pop head ass babies out we became super woman. No necessity in trying at all, cute try though.

Let me break down a little bit of some of the truths us moms feel because it’s time to set the record straight on a few things.

Going full time with my blog has challenged me to want to be honest and truthful with you all. Even if it hurts, but only to shed light on things these little cookie cutter bloggers don’t talk about. It’s time to get real. I’m so over the superficial mommy blogger shit that it makes me gag.

There are so many areas of motherhood that is untapped because people are trying so hard to portray the life they want to live instead of actually speaking up and just actually living the shit.

So per usual, go grab your wig glue and guard your edges because Big Mama is here to be the voice for all of the mommas that may not have it in them to say some of these words.

Here are a few of the reasons why mothers don’t ask for your help:

1. We Are Shamed For Our Circumstances.

   
   I was literally just having this conversation with someone to set the record straight. I get so misunderstood in so many ways because I have never been the person to blow up someone’s phone if I need help with my child. Yes, I have days where I get frustrated, overwhelmed and I am just way too exhausted to want to parent. So guess what? Her dad takes over and I get a little break. I don’t care if it’s a hot 30 minutes, I need that damn 30 minutes.

   Everyone’s circumstances are different, so respect them even if they are different from yours. I understand a lot of women don’t have that luxury of having a father present while raising their children, and those are truly the REAL superwomen because single parenthood is HARD.
   

   But that’s not my circumstance, my husband is my right hand man. I have become a stay at home mom while the pandemic has allowed my husband to work from home so that in between his breaks and before and after work, I have hands on help from him because he is more present and not away working.
   Even if it’s not with the baby, he’s helping prep meals, clean dishes (we are still working on him cleaning the rest of the house , but one day at a time OKAY!) and just so much more.

   
   So with all of that being said, on a day to day basis I don’t need additional help. WE are handling our responsibilities as parents together as we should since we brought the little human here. However, when I do ask for additional help, understand that I genuenly need it.
   

   But let’s be real, this is America and there are tons of single mothers out there in this world who are grinding day and night to keep food on the table for those babies. I’m pretty sure about a good 95% of women didn’t wake up one day and just say, “Let’s Make a Baby You’re Going to be Totally Absent for and Leave the Burden of Raising Them All on Me!” Shit. At least I hope not.
   

   When it is time for these beautiful souls to ask for additional help, here your toxic ass goes with the shaming:

“If you knew how to pick them right (meaning men) you wouldn’t be asking me for no damn help.”

“I don’t know why you feel you need to go out and do _____ around this town like you ain’t got these kids here.

“What you need to do is…”

I could literally go on and on, but those are just a few I hear often.

Triggering right? Listen, I get it. There are women out here who aren’t very responsible and who drops their kids off at just any and everyone’s house just to go live her life like she doesn’t have children. This isn’t about them.

Single mothers don’t get a break. Oh bitch, you didn’t hear me the first time??? Let me say it a little more loud and clear…SINGLE MOTHERS DO NOT GET THE LUXURY OF HAVING A BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every cry, feeding, bath and all of the above solely relies on her and only her.

That is exhausting. So if a mother is asking for you help, that’s what she needs is a break, not for you to force your unnecessary opinion of her life in her face. Yes she is a mother, but she is also a woman, with needs that she still deserves to be nurtured without shame of her circumstances.
You’re robbing her of her peace, which brings me to my next point.

2. Your Help Doesn’t Bring Them Peace

Wheewwww, this one right here!! This is the one I can relate to the most. I am all here for help, but if it doesn’t bring me peace while you’re doing it, then what the hell is the point of you helping at all? Don’t understand what I mean? Let me explain a bit.

Say someone offers to help you and asks to come over to be hands on with the baby. They come over and start becoming needy, asking you to run around like a chicken with your head cut off, “Can you grab me this…and that…oh yeah Where’s such and such? Can you get that for me too?” Instead of, “Point me in the direction to grab ___.”

“Have a seat, I’ll get get___.”

When it’s time for them to give you a break, they have the baby and is on the floor sitting next to them, but you notice they aren’t paying attention to your child. They are on their phone on social media scrolling away. Meanwhile, you child is just crawling away sticking any and everything in their little mouth. You notice this and now can’t concentrate on anything because you’re supposed to be taking a break to get other tasks done, but now you’re worried about your child.
You make a comment and ask politely of the person (who offered to help) to be more attentive to the baby so you can concentrate, and they respond to you with defensiveness and feels insulted. Goes on about how many kids they have raised and how you’re being controlling telling them what to do.
So instead of putting up a fight, you politely ask this person to leave because now at this point you are not only insulted, overwhelmed, and in need of a helping had to take a load off, you’re peace is gone too.

This is a true scenario that unfortunately happened to me.
Prior to this person coming over, I was very vocal on what I needed help with and how I needed to be helped. I needed hands on help and 100% undivided attention towards my child so that I can focus on other tasks around my house. How can I be at peace when at the bare minimum you can’t even give this to my child? How is this helping me?

On top of everything else, you shame me for giving you direction on how to care for MY child and call me controlling because what I am asking of you.

If my child requires 100% undivided attention, this isn’t an insult to your character or your style of parenting, just f**king give it. I didn’t ask or question your style of parenting or say how you’ve handled children in the past was wrong.
What I do know is that you need a bit of direction on how things work with my baby, and that’s ok. Every child is different and we don’t all know everything about every child.
But what I do know is that asking for your help shouldn’t cost me my peace.

As mothers, we wear many hats and it’s gets hard and we could really use the help, but with the little bit of peace we do have we don’t need you snagging it from us just so you can throw over our heads just to say you’ve helped us.

Which brings me to my next point…

3. Your Help Sounds Good, But is No Good.

Becoming a parent has truly shown me how people love to talk the talk, but not walk the walk. People love to tell you how they are always there if you need them. To call them if you ever need anything and blah blah blah, right?
Yet, when you actually call on those people, crickets. Or excuses, or just flat out nothing. I could post a million pictures of my child and my DM’s are flooded with people who telling me to call them so they can spend time with the baby and give me a break.

Let’s not forget that these are typically the people who like to remind you of how you need to ask for more help and all of that bullsh*t.
Need me to break down a bit of a scenario for you to understand to get the picture of where I’m coming from? Say less sis, here you go:

Around the time my husband and I had decided we were going to make the move from Maryland back to Ohio to be closer to family with the baby, I had become so helpless in my search for a new home in my home state.
I needed help, badly.

I needed someone to be willing to look at places while I wasn’t physically there myself . We were staying in a hotel (for over 2 weeks) due to leakage in our living room at our home that required repair. It wasn’t a safe space for an infant baby, especially during a pandemic.
So I called on a close person in my life who lived where we were looking to move to who I thought at the time would really be a reliable source of help.
Mind you, months prior I was given a lecture from this person of how I need to ask for more help and blah blah blah.

When I made the phone call to this person, I once again got a lecture on how I needed to ask for more help, even though that was the sole purpose of this call 🤦🏾‍♀️.
By the time the conversation had ended, we both agreed that this person was going to be open to searching at homes for me to help us out, along with many other things.
The next morning, I find a place and want to schedule a meeting for this person to go look at a possible home for us to move into.
So I call, no answer. I send a message, no answer. It’s earlier in the am so I give a bit of grace for this person to get back to me. It’s mid afternoon and not a call or text has been returned. By the evening, multiple calls, voicemails and messages have been sent out expressing my urgency for their help. For that entire day, I got nothing. Not a call, a text, hell not even a message in a bottle.
The next morning I get a message from this person saying, “My bad. Yesterday was a bad day for me.”

EXCUSE ME?

Wait, so you mean to tell me you couldn’t take 60 seconds out of your day yesterday to just update me on this? I am a very understanding person because we are all human and life happens. But not once?

My whole point of sharing this scenario is because people, especially other mothers who feel they know it all love sharing with you of what you’re not doing right or how you can be doing better with your child. Sad but true.
This isn’t just from my perspective, but from many new moms I have spoken with in reference to this topic. How you need to ask for more help and all of that bs you see on memes and social media.

Yet, when in the tender moment of my life when I put you on the spot to give me that help you’re so vocal about, you’re completely absent.
For a mother to ask for help requires a lot of vulnerability and for her to just surrender from her own things she cannot control.
In return if you’re offering for help, along with that you need to create a safe space for them to receive your help.

You can vocalize what we as mothers, especially new mothers need to do all you want, but when we throw the ball in your court, shoot b*tch.
Words sound good, but we need actions with a safe place to let our guard down, and if you can’t give it, STFU. Period.

4. You Impose Your Needs Over Hers

This is another sad, but often scenario mothers just don’t want to ask for your help. Myself included. If you can’t tell by now, I’m pretty vocal. Transparency isn’t much of an issue for me when it comes to communicating.

That being said, there have been many occasions where people have asked what exactly I need for my baby. In return I have flooded them with options.
You want to know what ends up happening? They do what THEY feel the baby needs instead of actually listening to the mother (You know the one who actually birthed the little human and knows what it needs).

Example:

Say someone calls and asks what the baby needs. You say, nighties, shoes, playmat and more size 1 diapers.

In return, this person buys a ton of cute outfits because they said the baby would look cute in them.

Wait, what? You’re confused. You were very clear and direct of what your baby truly needed and what you could use help with.
Instead you’re left with more clothes that the baby already has enough of. So now you’re the ungrateful piece of sh*t mom who’s ungrateful for what other people do for you.
How Sway? You were vocal about your babies needs, and clothes wasn’t one of them. Yet, you imposed your feelings how cute you think the baby will be in an outfit they are probably only going to wear once.
How is this helping me as a mother? It’s sometimes like we are standing in the middle of a room SCREAMING and people still don’t hear us.

We told you what we needed when you asked us, and I’m supposed to be grateful for something that isn’t going to help me? When now I just gotta go and get it myself because what you need help with, people just aren’t listening to you.

We appreciate any and everything you ever spend your time and money on for our children. Allow me to make that clear first and foremost so it doesn’t come across like some brat.

I am very much so a brat, but never when it comes to receiving help or anything in reference to my child.

To the people who do this, STOP IT. Learn to listen and to truly help mothers with THIER NEEDS for them and THEIR CHILD. That is not your place to make judgement.
If you want to do additional needs for mommy and baby, run it by the mother first. Ask if it’s ok. See how she’s feels. Everyone isn’t a fan of surprises of things that burden them in ways.

5. We Have Different Styles of Parenting

This is a very controversial topic for a lot of people, because it’s hard to have this conversation without feeling insulted in some type of way. However, it’s the truth and it can be talked about without tension. Everyone is different in their styles of parenting, and that’s okay. No child is the same so it makes sense. There are also some people you may know and love, but they will never…and I mean NEVER be left responsible with my child.

How people choose to raise their children has absolutely nothing to do with me or factors any decision making in my life. I would hope that people keep this energy and understand it as well. I do not have to explain to anyone ANYTHING in reference to my child. That includes help that is offered. If you offer your help and I thank you, but politely decline your offer that should end there. If you want to know why, please don’t ask that question if you are not open to hearing the truth.

Raising a child shows you a lot of things that went wrong in your life and how you want better for them. There are people who I love dearly in my life, but their character and toxic ways aren’t what I want my child to pick up on in such an impressionable time in her life. Until she is able to understand life a little bit more. That doesn’t mean they won’t be able to physically see my child, they just would never be let responsible with my child’s life in their hands.

So to some up this entire post:

Don’t comment and force your opinion onto mother’s in reference to their circumstances, love on them and let your help be genuine. Pray that things get better for them. Prayer is our most powerful weapon, not your useless opinion. If you are going to offer your help, let your help bring peace to her because above everything mommy needs peace and solitude. Show up for her when she needs you if you can, if not let her know and still make it up in a way to show her you still care. Don’t just talk about what she needs help with, actually help her because trust me, she knows every area she is lacking in and doesn’t need you to remind her. Please don’t project your feelings onto her. If she is vocal about her needs and you are offering your help, listen and do just what she needs. If she isn’t so vocal, be patience and gentle with her, she will get there. Lastly, if you two have different styles of parenting agree to disagree or just respect that she doesn’t want your help with her child directly. Find other ways you can give her a helping hand.

I truly hope that this post was able to shed light on some areas some women aren’t able to vocalize. To ask for help can be a lot, but it’s a lot because you need a safe space provided with someone to do so. If any of these hit home for you take a moment and meditate how you can get better and be better for that mommy and baby. Trust me, I know my approach is intense, but it’s always my goal to rebuke, love and encourage.

Comment your thoughts on this post. Is any of this hitting home for you??

Xoxo,

Britt